


you could've loved me worse

by Chaosandthecalm



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Pining, Underage Kissing, no underage sex though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-09 00:24:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6881746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaosandthecalm/pseuds/Chaosandthecalm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“There are worse things is all I’m saying.”</p>
<p>“Worse than what?”</p>
<p>“Then wanting something good. Something pure. It doesn’t make you a monster.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	you could've loved me worse

Levi didn’t feel things. He chose not to. In the life he was living all it did was cause pain and he’s had enough of that to last him an eternity. He didn’t feel anything when he killed titans, didn’t feel anything when he watched his team members get eaten, didn’t feel anything when Petra looked at him with admiration, a blush on her cheeks. It was easier. It made his job easier. 

So when he walked forward in a crowded court room and kicked a kid across the face he didn’t feel a shred of guilt. He didn’t feel anything really.   
Until the kid looked up at him and he caught a flash of green hidden under a fan of black eyelashes. For a second something clenched in his chest and he pounded Eren Jaeger face’s into the concrete, probably harder than it was necessary. 

All he could think of when he was beating him into a pulp was ‘ _Please don’t hate me.’_

~~

“Say Eren…”

The kid flinched and that same painful pang rang out in Levi’s chest. He frowned for a second before schooling his expression back into his usual blank stare.

“Do you resent me?”

Eren was looking at him, all youthful innocence and nervous energy. His hands were clenched in front of him and looking at him now he looked just like any other kid. Someone who should be playing out in the street with his friends. Instead he was going to be turned into a weapon. Another feeling rose in Levi and he frowned. 

“No…I understand it was necessary.”

Levi turned away, from those eyes that were looking at him with such sincere admiration that he felt the urge to kick Eren across the face again.

~~

Levi’s footsteps sounded hollow against the stone steps, the sound bouncing off the walls. It was dark and damp down in the basement and he could feel his skin crawling. The   
torch on the wall across from the cell he stopped in front of sent everything into shadow. He could just barely make out the shape on the bed. Levi wrapped his fingers around one of the cold bars of the cell and leaned in closer. 

Eren looked at him with wide green eyes and Levi felt something heavy settle in his chest. Fuck. 

“Captain…” 

Levi’s body was vibrating with the effort to maintain his blank expression, keep his eyes locked on Eren’s.

“What is it?” he asked, his voice steady. Eren was sitting up in bed, hands shackled. Levi felt the stirring in his stomach and clenched his jaw, pushed the feeling down. 

“I don’t feel well…I think I have a fever.” Eren said softly, blinking those eyes at him. His cheeks were flushed and his mouth was parted. A pink tongue darted out and slid across his plush lower lip. Levi’s hand gripped the metal bar in front of him so tightly that he feared his fingers would break. 

“You’re fine.”

“Please, just…check?”

Levi took a deep, steadying breath and pulled the heavy metal door open. He strode into the cell and stopped right in front of Eren. He reached out one cool hand and placed it on Eren’s forehead, pushing the hair back. Green eyes fluttered at the touch and his breathing hitched. Levi felt that same tug in his stomach. It was desire, that much he knew. He pushed it down and held his hand against Eren’s forehead a second longer before dropping it. 

“You’re fine.” He said, voice clipped. Eren did feel warm, but that seemed to be normal for him. His body ran at a higher temperature. Levi turned to walk away but a hand closed around his wrist, holding him back.

“Wait, Captain….” 

Levi turned slowly and looked down at Eren. The flush on his cheeks had spread down to his chest, his breathing even more ragged. The fingers holding Levi’s wrist were burning hot. 

“Please…” Eren’s voice was low and it echoed against the stone walls. Levi felt his resolve crumbling. It was those damn eyes. He steadied himself and twisted his arm, Eren’s hand falling away.

“I don’t know what you’re asking but the answer is no.” 

“I just…I need to feel…something.” 

Levi felt a pang in his chest. He leaned forward until him and Eren were face to face.

“Eren. Whatever you need to feel…. find someone else.” 

He turned and walked away without another word, ignoring the eyes burning into his back.

~~

Levi sat at the table alone, his tea getting cold by the minute. He flipped the page of his book without seeing the words. He could hear footsteps coming closer and he sighed, preparing himself. Erwin always commanded a room when he was in it, even if it was just the two of them. Levi liked that. Around Erwin he was invisible. 

“Levi.”

“Commander.”

Erwin laughed, low and rumbling and Levi picked up his cup. 

“Couldn’t sleep?” he asked, trying to make conversation. Erwin sat down across from him and placed his chin on his folded hands. Levi could feel his skin crawling with the calculating look. 

“How’s Jaeger?”

“Difficult.”

“He’s a kid.” 

Levi froze, his cup held loosely in one hand. He looked away. He knew those blue eyes could read him like a fucking book. 

“I know that.”

“Do you? Can I trust you to be alone with him?”

Levi clenched his hands, his nails digging crescents into his palms. 

“I have no idea what you’re implying.”

Erwin just shrugged one broad shoulder.

“Just don’t want to find him dead one day.” 

Levi felt his breath catch and he looked up. Erwin was looking at him knowingly, like he had just confirmed some suspicion he had. Levi hated how well he knew him. 

“I’m not a murderer.”

Erwin laughed again. His eyes were warm when he looked at Levi, not judgmental or accusing. 

“Be careful Levi. Even the coldest hearts can be broken.”

“Poetic.” Levi said evenly, feeling his heart speeding up. Erwin always knew. Without Levi having to say a word. He knew exactly what he was thinking, what he was feeling. He was there when Levi plopped down on the couch next to Eren and asked if he resented him. He saw the slight widening of Erwin’s eyes. He knew it was out of character for him but he couldn’t stand it if Eren hated him. He had no idea why. 

But now he knew.

“I won’t…do anything.”

“If you say so.” Erwin replied, looking away and smiling. He always had a way of calming Levi down, making him think rationally. This time all he did was make Levi question his   
own thoughts even more. Was he fighting an uphill battle?

“I’m going to bed.” He said, gathering his book and tea cup. Erwin just bid him a soft goodnight and Levi walked out of the room. It took all of his will power not to climb the steps down to the basement where Eren was staying. His fingers tightened on his cup and he heard the snap of the handle breaking. If he went down there right now he wouldn’t be able to hold himself back. 

Levi turned around and went to his room.

~~

“This world is fucked up.”

Levi blinked and looked up from his reading. Hanje was sitting across the table, head perched on thei hand. Their owlish eyes blinked at him behind thick glasses. Levi lowered his book and raised one eyebrow.

“Quite the observation.”

“We live in a world filled with monsters. They eat us for sport.”

Levi felt his eyebrows drawing together. There was something in Hanje’s voice. It made him feel like he was missing something. Something vital.

“What are you…?”

“There are worse things is all I’m saying.”

Levi felt the breath catch in his throat. Hanje’s eyes were boring into him with a knowing look, the corner of their mouth quirked up. 

“Worse than what?”

“Then wanting something good. Something pure. It doesn’t make you a monster.”

Levi swallowed past the lump in his throat. 

“He’s not a child Levi. Nobody is. Not when they grow up in this.” they said, waving their hand. Levi looked away, felt his face heating. Just how obvious was he?

“He is.”

“He’s almost eighteen.”

“And I’m twice his age.”

Levi had given up trying to lie. Hanje had always been observant, was a million times smarter than the rest of them. Their eyes flashed and they grinned, slightly manic as always. 

“Let yourself have this Levi. He’s strong enough to deny you If that’s what he wants.”

Levi thought about Eren’s hands pushing him away, a look of disgust on his face. Something painful clenched in his chest and he looked down at his hands. Scars ran along the skin, his fingers bent where they had been broken and healed. 

“You’re a terrible influence.”

“Perhaps. But it’s not always a bad thing.”

~~

Mikasa was the most terrifying person Levi had ever met. Not that he would ever admit that to her. She was also the strongest. Now he watched as she sat next to Eren, going over maps and plans, their shoulders pressed together. It looked right, the two of them. 

“Jealous?” Hanje asked, leaning against the wall next to him.

“Shut up.”

“Touchy. Well you shouldn’t be. He only has eyes for one person.” 

“I thought I told you…”

“Shut up, yeah.” Hanje said, eyes rolling behind thick glasses before stepping away. Mikasa looked up from the map they had spread on the floor and straight at him. Levi felt guilt rising up inside of him. He wondered how perceptive she was; how much she could pick up just from looking at him. Eren said something and pointed and Mikasa looked   
away again. Levi felt his skin crawling as he pushed away from the wall and walked out of the room. 

~~

He was drunk. Drunk enough that he found himself climbing the steps to a familiar door. How many times had he watched Eren disappear behind it after mumbling a soft goodnight? He came to a stop in front of the wood, placing a hand on it, feeling the grain beneath his fingertips. Everything blurred; his vision and his resolve. 

He didn’t knock, just pushed the door open slowly. Eren was lying on the bed, his eyes closed and his breathing even. Levi walked closer and stopped next to the edge, feeling his hands itching with an urge to push that messy hair away from Eren’s forehead. 

Long eyelashes fluttered and Eren’s eyes opened, so impossibly green even in the dim light of the moon.

“Captain?”

His voice was low, rough with sleep and it sent a shiver down Levi’s spine. He had never wanted something this badly. 

“I’m sorry for waking you…”

“Are you alright?” Eren asked, sitting up and rubbing a hand over his face. He looked exhausted, his skin dull and pale. Levi swallowed and reached out, fingertips brushing against Eren’s cheekbone. Eren froze, eyes widening at the touch. 

They were suspended in a long moment, Eren watching him as Levi traced the skin of his cheek, down to the cut of his jaw. His face was broader and rough stubble caught at Levi’s skin. It was surprising, seeing how much older he was. It felt like no time at all had passed since they started their journey.

“I’m not a kid anymore.”

Levi’s fingers stuttered to a stop and he looked at Eren. His face was determined and his gaze was steady. Levi wondered if he had been thinking out loud but no…he wasn’t that careless. Not even when he was intoxicated. 

“Yes, you are.”

“I’m seventeen. I’m old enough to know what I want.”

Levi felt his heart speed up, his blood rushing in his veins. 

“And what is it that you want?”

Eren didn’t respond, just lifted one hand and wrapped his fingers around Levi’s wrist. He pulled Levi’s hand closer, turning it so that his palm was facing up. Soft lips slid across the skin of his hand, kissing along the scars. Levi shuddered, eyes following the movements as Eren kissed his skin. Green eyes were fixed on his face, watching his reaction. 

He was frozen. Every place where Eren touched him was on fire.

“Kiss me.” Levi said, voice catching on the words. Eren’s eyes widened and he dropped his wrist, lips parting in surprise. They looked at each for a long moment and then Eren was rising up from the bed, right hand sliding along Levi’s jaw and cupping the back of his head. Levi let his face tilt up and then Eren was kissing him. 

It was soft and tentative, like Eren was terrified of scaring him away. Levi sighed and pushed closer, reveling in the heat of Eren’s mouth. He tasted of salt and spice, and his lips were so incredibly soft. Eren kissed him like he was desperate for it, like he never wanted to let go. His hands framed Levi’s face as his mouth opened up to him. Levi let himself be taken away, in the feel of Eren’s mouth and his touch. 

Levi noted in the back of his mind that this was probably Eren’s first kiss, judging from the shaking in his fingers and the sloppiness of his lips sliding against his. His heart clenched painfully in his chest and he tried not think about it. Despite everything, it was perfect. One perfect moment in a lifetime of ugliness. 

“Eren…. stop.” Levi whispered, pulling away. Eren was panting against his lips, trying to pull him close again. 

“Why?”

“We shouldn’t do this.”

Eren growled, low in his chest and another shiver ran down Levi’s spine. He could feel the hot press of Eren’s erection against his thigh.

“We both want this.”

It wasn’t a question and Levi didn’t bother to deny it. Not because he believed it but because right in that moment he couldn’t think of a single reason why they shouldn’t do this. Why he shouldn’t give into this kid who restored his faith in humanity, in the world. 

“I should go…” he said, voice still quiet. He pulled Eren’s hands away from his face, gentle but firm. Eren let him but his face was set, eyes blazing. 

“Levi…”

“I never said you could call me that.” 

Eren glared at him and for a moment all Levi could see was the angry kid he had met years ago. 

“Captain. Please…stay.”

Levi didn’t answer, just turned and walked out of the room. 

~~

The house they were staying in was quiet. The woods surrounding it were thick and lush. Levi looked out of the window of his room, the moon shining through the pane of glass. It was rare, in their world, to find a house like this. It was from before the walls. It was surprisingly large, every person in their party managed to get their own room. Levi stepped away from the window and walked to the door slowly. His skin was buzzing. Everything felt surreal. 

He opened it carefully, the old wood sticking. His feet were silent on the floor as he made his way down the hallway. He knew the way without having to think, could feel the pull low in his gut. Levi stood in front of the door and felt his pulse kick up, his blood on fire in his veins. 

Eren was still awake when he went inside, sitting up in bed, candle lit next to him. Green eyes blinked up at him and he felt himself drowning. 

“Captain?”

Eren was still a kid. He was broader and much taller than when they first met but those eyes still held an innocence that Levi’s had long lost. 

“Eren.”

“Is something wrong?”

Levi walked to the bed slowly. His fingers were itching with anticipation. 

“No.”

Eren didn’t ask anything else, just watched him until he was next to the bed, only a few inches between them.

“Happy birthday.” He whispered, leaning down until his nose brushed Eren’s. Eren’s breath hitched and there was long suspended moment where Levi wondered if he would get rejected. Then Eren’s fingers were winding into his hair and he was being pulled forward. Their lips crashed together, not with any technique, just pure animal desire. Eren groaned and his arm wrapped around Levi’s waist, pulling him in until he was straddling his lap. Every point of contact between them was overwhelming. Levi could feel himself losing his mind already, just from Eren’s mouth on his. The kiss was sloppy, all tongues and teeth and desperation. 

“Levi…” Eren breathed out once they had pulled away, his hands sliding over heated skin. Levi’s head was spinning. 

“Fuck me.” 

Eren froze, green eyes blazing. 

“Is that what you want?”

“it’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Eren was looking at him with such pure innocent amazement that Levi felt guilty. 

“Don’t look at me like that.” 

“Like what?”

“Like this means everything to you.”

Eren smiled and Levi felt his heart skip a beat. It was mind blowing, seeing that smile so close. 

“It does mean everything. You mean everything.” 

“You brat. Who says such embarrassing things so sincerely?”

Eren didn’t answer, just slid his fingers up the line of Levi’s jaw until his face tilted up. Their lips met again and it was softer, the crazed desire dulled into something else. Something more intimate. Something completely terrifying. 

Levi pushed his hips down and felt Eren gasp against his mouth, his hand landing in the dip of Levis’ spine. Those fingers slid up under his shirt, dragging over his skin. Eren’s touch was different from anything he had ever felt before. It was pure and so incredibly good that he would be ok with this. Just this. Those hands sliding over his skin.

“Do it. Please. I won’t last.”

Eren growled and flipped him over, his back landing on the sheets. He stripped off Levi’s clothes with gentle fingers, which was surprising. Every time a new sliver of skin was revealed Eren would kiss it softly, run his fingertips over it until Levi was shivering under him. 

When they were both completely naked Eren sat back on his heels and looked down at him, eyes wide.

“What?” Levi asked, voice tense. He had the urge to cover himself, Eren’s gaze making his skin burn. 

“You’re beautiful.” Eren whispered, leaning down and capturing his mouth before Levi could respond. He must have known. Must have sensed that Levi would tell him he was wrong. There was nothing beautiful about him, or what he was doing. 

Eren on the other hand was the very definition of beauty. His skin was golden and his shoulders were broad and solid. His hands were large and his fingers gentle. Everything about him made Levi want to burst out of his skin. Every time those hands traced the lines of his muscles he felt like he was losing his mind. Maybe he was. 

“Eren…. please.” 

Levi’s hands twisted in the messy strands of Eren’s hair as he dragged his mouth down to his. They kissed desperately, lips slick with spit and teeth catching skin. Eren sighed against his mouth and wrapped his hands around his thighs, lifting them until Levi’s legs wrapped around his hips. 

They were so close, skin against skin and Levi felt dizzy. All he could smell was Eren. All he could feel was Eren. Teeth nipped at the hollow of his throat as Eren pressed his fingertips to Levi’s lips. He groaned as he took them in his mouth, circling them with his tongue. Eren was panting against his collarbone, tiny breathless moans escaping him as Levi coated his fingers, tongue weaving between them. 

“Ok…let me…” Eren muttered, slowly taking his hand away. Levi let his head fall back against the pillows, his arms wrapping around Eren’s shoulders as he felt the press against his entrance. He knew Eren had never done this before, could feel his fingers shaking against him. 

“Hey…” he said quietly. Eren’s eyes looked up and caught his, wide and alert and absolutely terrified. 

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Eren whispered, pressing a soft kiss against Levi’s chest. His heart stuttered and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. The statement was so sincere, so   
innocent that he wanted to run away. How could Eren still be like this? After everything?

“You won’t.” he said. And he believed it with every fiber of his being. No matter what happened, the one thing that he believed more than anything was that Eren Jaeger would never hurt him. 

Eren took a deep, steadying breath and then his fingers pressed forward and Levi’s back arched. Eren worked him open slowly, whispering soft words into his skin and pressing gentle kisses along his neck. Levi wanted him to be rough, wanted Eren to destroy him. Instead he found himself reaching out and pulling Eren closer, keening at the soft caresses. 

When Eren finally settled between his thighs and started to push in Levi’s vision went white. His heart was thundering and all he could hear was his blood rushing in his ears. His fingers dragged across sweaty skin and he tried to listen to Eren. He wanted to hear every moan, every sigh. 

Eren froze once they were pressed together completely, his forehead dropping against Levi’s. 

“Fuck…I never…imagined…” he whispered, his lips grazing Levi’s with every word. 

“Move, Eren.” 

Eren blinked at him, eyes warm and full of emotion and then his hips pulled away and snapped forward. Levi cried out, his body lifting off of the bed, trying to get closer. Eren was relentless, thrusting inside of him in a steady rhythm that made his skin burn. It was everything he had ever hoped for. 

Levi groaned and wrapped his legs tighter around Eren’s waist, trying to push back, get more friction. Eren’s fingers slid across his chest, over his stomach and wrapped around his leaking cock. Levi felt more than heard the groan rumble from his chest. Eren thumb slid across the head on every upstroke, spreading the slickness over heated skin. Levi couldn’t think, couldn’t even breathe. He could hear himself saying Eren’s name, over and over again. 

Eren came inside of him moments before he reached his own climax. They clung to each other desperately, lips sliding together and hands gripping sweaty skin. Levi never wanted to let go. 

~~

“I meant what I said….”

“Hm?”

Levi’s legs were heavy, his skin still tacky with sweat. He could feel the stickiness between his thighs and tried not to think about a hot bath. His head was laying against Eren’s chest, fingers curled against warm, golden skin.

“You do mean everything to me. You saved me. Over and over again.”

“Shut up and go to sleep…”

“I’m serious.”

Levi blinked his eyes open and looked up. Eren’s eyes were wide and determined, like always. It was exhausting sometimes, seeing how much of himself he put into everything. 

“I’m a perverted old man. You’ll probably hate me someday.” He said, breaking the eye contact and laying down against Eren’s chest again. It was so warm and the steady beating of his heart was calming. 

“I could never.”

“You say that now…”

Eren’s fingers tilted his chin up until he was met with that unwavering gaze. 

“I could never hate you. I lo…”

Levi clasped a hand over Eren’s mouth. His heart was hammering against his ribcage. He couldn’t hear it. Not when there were bruises on his hips from Eren’s fingertips and Eren’s spit drying on his skin. Whatever innocence was left in those eyes; he had stolen it. 

“Don’t ever say that to me.”

Eren’s eyebrows furrowed, frustration making the green of his irises flash. He closed his fingers around Levi’s wrist, pulling his hand away.

“Stop running away from this. Stop thinking it’s only you. I’ve wanted this since I was fifteen!”

“Shut up Eren…”

“I’m serious! I will never hate you. Never.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“I love you.”

Levi froze, his entire body going rigid. Every spot where Eren had touched him or kissed him burned. 

“I’ve loved you for a long time. And I will love you until I die.”

“We could die tomorrow.”

Eren’s jaw twitched with frustration and Levi almost smiled. It was refreshing seeing that same anger simmering inside of Eren. This he could deal with.

“We could. Which is why I want this. I want you. We could all die any second. Why won’t you let us have something good for a change?”

“Who said it was good?” Levi asked, raising one eyebrow. Eren rolled his eyes.

“You know what I mean.”

Levi took a deep breath and let himself relax into the heat of Eren’s skin. His whole body ached. Not the way it did every day but in a new and pleasant way. 

“I won’t say it back.”

He felt Eren press a kiss against this hair, fingers running through the strands gently. 

“Then don’t.”

Levi felt something prickling in the back of his throat and he squeezed his eyes shut. The world was ugly and cruel and he didn’t deserve to have this. He didn’t deserve to be safe and warm and loved. Not by someone like Eren. Not when people were dying every single day around them. But as Eren wrapped his arms around him tighter and held him close he felt like maybe, just this once, he did.

**Author's Note:**

> I like to call this 'mine and Levi's descent into hell.'  
> This was in my works in progress folder for a very long time and I finally decided what the hell. I haven't actually watched or read any of Attack on Titan in years so any inaccuracies are my own stupidity and I apologize.   
> Also I didn't write this in order so it might not make sense? Who knows. Anyways if you actually made it to the end of this thank you!


End file.
